Thursday, February 02, 2006

Something To Live For

Because he is so young, Ray has no concept of what has just happened in our family. Before I lost the baby, I was just beginning to show, and Ray had a great time poking at my swelling belly, but he would only look at me oddly when I tried to explain that there was a baby in there. I would point at my belly and say, "baby." He would frown, point at my belly and say, quite vehemently, "belly, mama!"

I am forever grateful that he is too young to understand what has happened. I will tell him about Bailey when he is older, but for now, Ray's obliviousness is what is getting me and Preston through this awful hopelessness. I feel guilty every time I feel a moment of happiness, scared to move on from mourning Bailey, but since Ray doesn't have to know guilt yet, he has no qualms about being silly. It is his silliness that allows me to smile without feeling guilty. And it is his life, and the hope for his future, that gives me something to live for.

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